I’ve experienced my fair share of breakups throughout my life. I just never thought one would happen with my mom.
About a month ago, my mom decided to assert boundaries for the first time in our lives. During a three-minute phone call, she announced she would be “taking a break” from me, my three brothers, and her boyfriend for the foreseeable future. In other words, she would cut off all communication with everyone.
It devastated me. I was personally hurt, scared for her, and concerned that my mom might be hiding something terrible from us, like a terminal diagnosis. Later, I realized she was learning — and asserting — a lesson I have been trying to teach myself for the past two years.
From what I can tell, it started when my mom said she wanted to get an apartment with her boyfriend and me. I said “no” because I already had my own apartment with my boyfriend and didn’t want to feel like a child living with a parent again. It wasn’t a mean-spirited or even personal rejection.
She called me back the next day and said I was “yet another child who abandoned her.” I think she meant that my younger brothers abandoned her by going to college. Mom said she didn’t want to speak to me anymore and that her break from her kids would last until she felt like getting back in contact with us.
I was so shocked, I didn’t do anything other than agree. I respected her wish and eventually I put it in bigger perspective when I brought it up with my therapist.
My mom’s parenting style most closely resembles enmeshment, which means she consistently overstepped parent-child relationship boundaries. When my brothers and I were growing up, she unknowingly wanted us to treat her like a child — even while we were really young. I didn’t realize that was something other parents did until I started therapy. I needed help coping with the emotional trauma created by having to parent my own mom, which helped me learn that parental infantilization happens in other families, too.
Before this phone call, she’d never set a single boundary with us before.
Whatever stage of life we were in, my mom wanted to experience it with us. If we wanted to draw in our coloring books, we knew she had to get our good markers or she’d get upset. Mom had to be the center of attention when we played games and needed us to cater to her emotions instead of addressing ours. That meant we had no boundaries as individuals. My mom needed us to feel happy, leading to her request for us to live with her when my brothers and I were well into adulthood.
Setting boundaries is one of the best ways to fix that. Before this phone call, she’d never set a single boundary with us before. Taking a break was a bit extreme, but I couldn’t take it personally because I saw how she was finally learning to be her own person.
Not that she would explain her decision that way, exactly; she reacted to us denying her request with an adult temper tantrum. In the past, that kind of reaction sent us running to her side because she wouldn’t calm down until we reversed our decision. Since we haven’t done that, everyone’s gained the space to breathe on our own.
I think what she’s doing will help her in the long run. Now that my mom’s setting boundaries, we’re all going to have the chance to develop healthy coping mechanisms regarding her absence. Even though it hurts to see her taking a break from us, I believe it will ultimately help our parent-child relationships if we all use this time to grow individually. Sometimes, we have to detach our personal feelings from a situation so we can turn things around with toxic family members. Emotionally, I’m not used to the pain of being cut off from someone who taught me that enmeshment means love. But logically, I trust that this will be good for my family.
Part of what I’m trying to do in therapy is undo the trauma of having to prioritize my mom’s needs while ignoring my own. Sometimes, that means going to therapy while feeling triggered. I’ll feel anxious because I haven’t made my mom feel better yet, which floods me with panic. Instead of ignoring it all by getting busy, I breathe slowly and ask what each feeling is trying to tell me. I remember that I’m not responsible for my mom’s emotional wellbeing. By letting her take a break, I’m helping our relationship change into something that’s healthier for both of us, even if I don’t know what that looks like yet.
And you know what? I’m also learning that it’s okay if I can’t work through my panic. My nervous system learned to only feel safe with something if my mom was okay with it.
My mom, meanwhile, has never seen a therapist, which also makes it a bit easier to accept her extreme decision. I think when my mom is ready to talk to me again, we’ll have more open communication.
I used to think leaving toxic family members was easy, but then my mom left us. I didn’t realize how much emotional work I’d need to do afterward. I journal every day to check in with the emotions that feel most present for me. I ask what those emotions are trying to tell me so I understand what my brain or body needs. I’m also practicing compassion daily. This experience has been emotionally hard on me. I try to remember that my mom and my brothers are likely struggling with similar hardships.
My schedule used to revolve around visiting Mom every week, waiting for her daily phone calls and checking in on her to make myself feel safe in our relationship. Now, I’m filling that free time with healing activities like resting or experimenting with new hobbies.
Every day, I remember that even if this lasts forever, my mom’s break is a gift. My mom, my brothers and I get to explore how much better life can be with boundaries. Her strong reaction is teaching us some big lessons, which we wouldn’t have learned if we never tried setting those boundaries.
