I have a walk-in closet full of clothing. I also have nothing to wear.
I know it seems like a First World problem (probably because it is), but getting dressed sucks. Seriously, there are days when I am to the point of tears because nothing in my closet fits. And then comes the guilt as I’m literally standing in a closet full of clothing, crying, because I feel awful about my body and how it looks when I try to create an outfit that’s cute, comfortable and appropriate for whatever the weather is doing.
Some of that is my own fault—hello, weight gain of the 30s combined with the stress of the crazy world we live in. But, mostly, women’s clothing is completely stupid. And it leaves me wondering: Why is that? So many things about the options available just make no sense to me.
Exhibit A: women’s clothing is generally paper-thin, if not thinner. It’s basically transparent. And, if you’re unaware, we women typically wear this undergarment called a bra. Creating a shirt or a dress that is thinner than the paper shooting out of my printer is just mind-boggling to me. What’s the point?
And, when summers get hot and humid, the last thing I personally want to do is layer a tank top under another tank top to keep people from seeing my underwear. But alas, unless I want to show up to a business meeting with my bra clearly visible to the businessmen in the room, double tank tops it is.
Maybe it’s a conspiracy with the deodorant and perfume manufacturers, since all that layering in hot weather causes lots of sweat and odor. Case in point: I just attended an outdoor music festival in our tiny town. The high of the day was somewhere in the 90s, complete with a sky-high humidity level. After struggling to find something cool and comfortable to wear, I settled on a pair of denim shorts and a tank top that was entirely too fitted for my ample stomach. However, I just went with it because the tank had some lining (in front only, of course) so I didn’t have to double tank it up.
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Letting It All Hang Out
Speaking of bras: What’s up with dresses that have a slightly narrowed cut right at the shoulders where the bra straps fall? I’m not even talking about halter tops or off-the-shoulder dresses here. It’s not enough of a narrowing to justify the hassle of finding a strapless bra. It’s more so that the designer decided to curve the dress straps inward just enough to where bra straps become impossible to hide. Looks great on the hanger, not so much on the person.
And that tank top with a front-only lining that I wore to the outdoor music festival? It dipped a little too low in the armholes while shifting down just the right way so the sides of my bra were unfortunately hanging out. It’s like someone is playing tricks on me with an evil little scheme: Let’s make this shirt fit in all other ways except this one.
I mean, yes, people generally know that a lot of women wear bras. That doesn’t mean, however, that all of us are comfortable with our bras hanging out.
How Do I Wear This Thing?
Trends irritate me. Trends that make getting dressed even more difficult really irritate me. This year seems to have an overabundance of crop tops. In every single department of every single clothing store. It’s like Oprah went off the deep end and said “You get a crop top! And you get a crop top! Everybody gets a crop top!”
There’s no way I’m showing off my pasty white belly unless I’m in a swimsuit. And come to think of it, I have a tankini so I don’t even do that.
And don’t even get me started on complicated shirts. Wrap shirts, in theory, are beautiful. In reality? I can’t figure out how to get the dang thing on! Huge cowl necks are also a problem. Do you let it all hang out in front? Do you fluff it? Do you tie it in a bow and throw it over your shoulder?
After three decades of struggling to find cute clothing, I have finally made a rule for myself that I cannot buy something if I can’t easily get in or out of it. So far, it’s working pretty well—I haven’t gotten caught in a shirt with no way out in at least a year.
No Zippers or Buttons
Along those lines, who decided that dresses should have to be slipped on over the head? I have a feeling I can’t be the only woman on Earth who does her hair and makeup before getting dressed. I also put deodorant on, which inevitably gets transferred onto whatever dress I am struggling into at that moment. Seriously, why not just add a zipper?
My husband can go online to Levi’s and buy 12 pairs of jeans and just know that they’ll fit. He just looks at the style number on his jeans and orders himself a few new pairs. And somehow, they just magically fit. Me? Not so much. Me trying to find well-fitting jeans is something I don’t even like to think about.
For one thing, sizing is all over the place with women’s clothing. Case in point: I wear an extra small in the Michael Kors brand. However, I’ve got clothing hanging in my closet from Ann Taylor Loft that’s something ridiculous like a double zero. Vanity sizing does no favors for anyone. Can somebody please make some rules about measurements and sizing in women’s clothing?
Any woman under five foot three knows the struggle of finding pants that fit in all the right places, including in length. There’s this thing called the petite section which, in theory, should provide the solution to pants and jeans that are miles too long.
This is where boob pants come in. You know the ones I mean: elastic-waist slacks that have such a high rise to them that they double as underwire. They’re generally marketed to women of a certain age, and hey—more power to you if you can rock those things.
However, I do not wish to wear pants that sit just below my boobs. I don’t find it terribly flattering. Or comfortable, for that matter. And it baffles me that clothing manufacturers have yet to understand, in 2021, that not all petite women are over the age of 80.
Can Someone Fix Women’s Clothing?
From sizing issues to silhouette issues to weird ways to get in and out of clothing, not to mention the boob pants, I find it hard to fathom we don’t have a better way of creating fashion for women in this day and age.
Can someone please fix these stupid issues in women’s clothing? I would be eternally grateful. And, heck, I’d even help you design them.