Femdom Power: How I Shed My Feminism for Matriarchy
As a 20-year sex educator, I’ve spent my time helping women on the road to sexual empowerment.
The rule is that he always arrives on time. As was our custom, he entered in silence, bathed carefully and then took up his place before me on his knees. Naked. He leaned forward and I put the collar around his neck then sat back in silence. I waited.
He had composed and memorized a prayer earlier in the week in anticipation of this moment. At my bidding, he began his recitation. He adores the humiliating turn-on of being exposed at the feet of his commanding mistress, his goddess, his queen. His eyes were cast down but his cock was standing at attention. I could sense his nervousness as he opened his eyes and tried to look into mine. He recited the first lines of his long devotional ode:
My adored mistress!
Magnificent and strong
You rule over your boy
You wield the rod
You reign supreme as the great matriarch…
I’ve had hundreds of lovers over the years, but never one like this. I am currently enjoying the most exciting sensual sex of my life. Because of our mutually satisfying kinks, I have been able over the years to train up this adorable man and turn him into the perfect lover that fulfills my every desire. He’s not a husband. Not a life partner. He doesn’t live with me or share my bank account. He’s not someone who walks side-by-side with me through all the trials and tribulations of life. I’ve had that already. Twice. No, this is my “boy” and, now that I am over 70, I’m having the kind of sex that I have always longed for: sensual and hot, without shame or false pretense—limitless, ecstatic, full of love and bliss.
The Difference Between a Femdom and a Dominatrix
I’m often asked to explain the difference between a femdom and a professional dominatrix. A dominatrix is a sex worker who takes money from her client in return for satisfying his sexual desire for surrender. Clients usually have a long list of demands when they arrive. They give a lot of thought to what they hope to experience during their session. The dominatrix fulfills his wishes.
Some of these women are really good at their job—they can make the client believe that they really want to play with him. A good dominatrix not only pays close attention to the client’s wishes but also dresses the part. Many men get off on high-heeled boots, matching bustier and such. For her service in fulfilling his secret fantasies, she is paid a handsome fee.
By contrast, a femdom is in it purely for pleasure. She dominates her submissive in the way that she chooses because it turns her on to do so. Her own desire is the source of the erotic play. She uses her subtle power of seduction on the submissive to bring him/her around to her desires. Their play is based on mutual desire, negotiated limits and carefully communicated consent that takes place before any play begins.
No money changes hands.
I am a femdom. I happily admit that I derive extraordinary pleasure from seducing and playing with a submissive man—especially my submissive man. After thousands of years of patriarchy, this is a timely, satisfying and luxuriously decadent erotic role reversal. It’s one that fits me to a T.
Female Pleasure Is the Ultimate Healing Force
I’m also a sex educator, and I’ve spent 20 years teaching women how to have powerful and fulfilling orgasms.
The hands-on techniques that I shared in workshops and private coaching sessions were aimed at showing women a grounded self-empowerment rooted in individual sexual pleasure. I had recognized early in my own life that my physical pleasure and emotional wellbeing could not be farmed out to a partner. As women, we need to each discover and master our individual sexual operating procedures. Finally, at home in our own pleasure palace, we have the option of welcoming a partner to join us in our sexual play.
At the beginning of my professional career, I was very specifically focused on healing the feminine. I was not yet fully aware that my attention to pleasure was in reality a roadmap to empowerment. I discovered that female pleasure was the ultimate healing force that eventually restored gender balance. I was intrigued by the reality that pleasure could transform our lives, even more quickly and effectively than suffering. I had learned this from my personal journey through life in the body of a woman.
I love women, but I have always adored the masculine in all its manifold expressions. I had always hoped that men would eventually catch up with the many women who, over the past 50 years, had been moving so courageously toward freedom. Whether through therapy or literature or workshops, women have done so much work. This is one of the many gifts of feminism—the changing perspective motivated women to finally get their sexual shit together. I wanted to see men get on board as well: become better lovers, better friends, better allies in women’s evolution into full personhood. But I never felt a personal calling to teach them how.
In my view, women should discover how to satisfy their deepest needs and desires on their own, and then share that information with their partners. Women should teach their men what they need. In reality, truly great partner sex can only begin when a woman has made friends with her pussy. When profound pussy pleasure is integrated into everyday life, women begin to trust the creative fantasy life that hides deep within the psyche.
Over time, my work expanded far beyond the basic life-enhancing ecstasy of the orgasm. I began teaching women how to bypass hetero-normative expectations in their sexual expression. I began teaching women how to initiate and creatively hold power in sexual play. I introduced participants to the pleasure of stepping up in a sexual scenario and taking command. Partner sex suddenly got an upgrade and female choreographed adventure became a real thing for real people.
I Created a Group of Men as Boy Toys
My participants needed to practice taking control. I could demonstrate how to create a ritual, how to collar a man, how to play with humiliation and control, what to do with his butt when you get him securely tied down—but they needed to actually practice these skills. It was important for them to learn how to hold that newly acquired inner power while in the presence of strong men. To facilitate this, I pulled together an amazing men’s team. These were straight guys who loved the idea of being an anonymous objectified toy-boy, available for women’s delight.
Word spread quickly within our small sex-positive community, and men began sending me their applications. Handling this overflowing supply of available men gave me a tremendous thrill. I was acting out my own decidedly feminine version of a Hollywood casting director. And for the men who applied for membership in the “team,” the work presented an amazing sexual adventure in a safe and discreet environment.
The work was voluntary. They had to love and honor all women, want to serve them and be devoted to their growth and full evolution as erotic individuals. They were required to submit a photo and a short written resume of their personal sexual experience. If I found the candidate attractive and their communication seemed sexy (without being macho), I’d take things to the next level and propose an in-person interview. I kept the whole process very businesslike. I was so suited to play this controlling, top-bitch role.
And this is how I eventually met my boy. There were many men who applied for the few slots that we had available, but he was definitely best in show. In the first photo that he sent, I was impressed with his physical beauty. And in the text that he wrote, he was very honest. He described his background and his professional activity and then shared that he was happily married, loved his wife but that he wanted to expand his skills and become a better lover.
I made a date to meet with him, and after our first encounter, I was smitten. I decided that I would definitely not share him with anybody else. He would not join the team because I wanted to have him all for myself. He is 20 years my junior and he confessed in our first meeting that since a very young age, he had fantasized about being dominated by an older woman. I can still remember that when I heard these words, I blushed and my face grew hot. This was a match made in heaven. I’ve been joyfully dominating him now for more than a decade.
I No Longer Hold a Vision of a 50-50 Relationship
The pandemic brought an end to my public appearances, workshops and rituals. The men’s team has slowly drifted apart and my professional life has quieted down considerably. But I never let go of my boy. Loving him, spanking him, fucking him and further evolving our domme/sub game has kept me joyful, creative and full of juice. Our relationship over the years has been an invitation for each of us to learn and grow further into our individual strengths. As he discovered more nuanced aspects of his masculinity, I have expanded my understanding of my authentically empowered femininity. This inner power is the root of a profound and irresistible eroticism.
In a recent conversation with several of my women friends (all in their 30s and 40s), I realized that I was no longer personally interested in the 50-50 struggles of today’s feminism. Many couples today try to establish peace in their home life through evenly balancing responsibilities: childcare, household, office hours, financials and so forth. Unfortunately, eroticism is not reflected in this equation. While home life may be running smoothly, sex seems to get tossed out the window in favor of popcorn and Netflix. Good sex doesn’t require harmony. It needs longing. It needs tension. Somebody has to take the lead. Somebody has to do the seducing. Somebody has to start the game.
Today’s younger women are honor-bound to remain in the struggle for equality in the boardroom and in the bedroom. I no longer hold a vision of a 50-50 relationship for myself, nor do I feel connected in any way to that struggle. I spent most of my adult life trying to find an appropriate balance in my marriages. Now, it feels boring and I don’t see it working effectively (or erotically) for anybody. In my own life, I have learned that taking the lead and seducing a worthy man to the beauty of surrender is tremendously exciting and fulfilling for all involved.
As women learn to hold power, men are invited to learn the beauty of surrender. We can integrate the long-forgotten parts of the self, and it’s blissful. My calling is to model the grandeur of my unique female strength. This is what compassionate feminine power looks like. It is divinity personified. I reign as queen of my domain and I fully embrace my role as high priestess of pleasure. No longer a struggling feminist, my evolution is complete and I fully embody the matriarch. All hail the mighty queen who lives in me.